Drowning

What do you do when you feel like you're drowning and struggling to be an active member of the world? I honestly don't know. Lately I have been struggling to do anything. I did actually run the dishwasher today. That's one thing I was able to accomplish. But overall, I just want to lay in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's hard to feel like me. I don't know what else I can do to erase this issue. I do take a daily mood stabilizing pill to help, but for me it really does feel like I occasionally am just playing a part while I still feel like I'm a ghost floating through life. 

I was also just diagnosed with a hereditary degenerative disease. My mom had it and now I know that I do. I have a great team of supporters and doctors, but seriously? Can't I have one great thing going on in life. I was truly hopeful that I would escapte the misery of this disease, and not potentially pass it on to my children, but they are both now have a 50/50 chance of having this disease as well. It sucks. The pain can be really challenging.

Sorry for this post to be so 📉, but I just have a lot on my mind and I need to get it out of my head. It's not like anyone reads these anyway.

Tidbit #1

 My Calm app sent me a "reset your mind" question today. I figured I would tackle it here. 

How could you bring a sense of play into your day?

My first thought was why would I do that? My second thought was a laugh. I get the why. I truly do. People like me who struggle with procrastination are often told to make boring things into a game to get yourself to do it. I liken it to giving yourself points for accomplishing tasks and then once you gain a certain number of points you reward yourself in someway. 

However, I suspect this question is a bit more literal in that regard. I think it wants to me play for real, so I am considering things I could do. For me, music is a big motivator. So I could probably just turn on some tunes that I really love and just dance around like I haven't a care in the world. So I bring the question to you.

When I worked in an office it was challenging to me. When I was a teacher, it was a bit easier (depending on the class period!) Now that I run my own business, it's a bit challenging to remember to do so. So I ask you the same question: How could you bring a sense of play into your day?

New Computer. Who dis?

 I have a brand new computer that I just got today. So now I can actually use it to keep up with things. First things first, I got a full time job working for the City of Starbase last October (2025). A couple of weeks ago, I left that job to focus on my mental health. I was not in a good place, and it was affecting me a lot. So now, I am not working for the City any longer. I'm working to get a hold on my body and my brain. It's been challenging so far, but I know I can do it. I did pay off my student loans at least! That was by far the best feeling to come out of everything. I also plan to do online professional development to maintain my teaching credentials as well. Especially since my certification is set to expire next year. I'm excited to finally have a computer that really works for the tasks I need it to do! I know that no one reads any of this stuff, but I like having the ability to easily access the internet and type easier things. Prior to this, I was using my phone, and typing a blog post on one's phone is a nightmare. I'll check back in soon!

TOT #1

Train of thought

Have you ever had a plan in your mind about how you were going to do something, but then you realize that the plan you had was actually not a very good one overall. I'm willing to wager that the answer is yes, and I am certainly not the only one that has had that happen. It's something that, I think, can be both frustrating and relieving at the same time. Frustrating because you wanted something to work out, but relieving because, perhaps it wasn't really supposed to work out after all, and if it had, you realize that it wouldn't have been overly good.

I went on a girls' weekend the first weekend of November. I've never been invited and actually welcomed on a girls' trip when I don't really know everyone. I had met everyone there before, but I didn't know them. I was the new girl, again. That's always hard to do. I had a really good time, but I did feel a bit like a 5th wheel. I don't get to interact with these ladies regularly like they get to with each other, but I hope they enjoyed having me along. It was a nice change of pace, and certainly allowed me to enjoy a mini vacation.

Do It Scared

  Is it strange to you how time just flies past. I'm surprised regularly by how I have come to be where I am. So many life changes, yet not truly changes at all.

I left the teaching profession, and I am completely content in no longer being in the field of education. I really do not desire to return to the classroom. I miss my students from the previous years, but I am tired of the bologna that goes along with being in the classroom. So many cooks in the kitchen theory if you will. So that has been pleasant. I'm not quite as stressed out; however, I have no incoming money, and that is beyond overwhelming. I just wish my student loans would vanish. 35K in student loans to become a teacher is ridiculous. I had been teaching for 17 year, and that is where I am still at! Upsetting for sure.

I moved in June. Both of my children are still living in our house, but we have moved 5 hours away. It's crazy that I have two adult children. They are not where I would like them to be in life, but they are living their lives, and I cannot control that. It's so difficult to be a parent sometimes. My youngest seems to be doing pretty well, but doesn't seem to have any real drive at the moment. She is not going to school, which is fine. I was paying for her classes to date, and I really am struggling to pay my own loans, so it's ok for her to take a break in my mind. I just want her to really know smart she truly is. I think she doubts that. Fear controls too much of our lives, and I know I struggle with that. My eldest is at an unusual stage of life questioning their identity in every way. I struggle with this simply because they are my child that I have known for 23 years. I can't picture them as anyone different from the person I know. It's a bit devastating. Actually, it's extremely devastating. I don't want them to change, but again, it's their life and not mine. So I have to get over it and continue to embrace my child. It's a lot harder than I would have ever imagined to say goodbye to my child and welcome my new child. I'm anxious for their future.

My spouse and I are living 5 hours away from our house. His retirement career has become bigger in scope, and that resulted in him having to move. He was living far away for months, until I was able to leave my job and move to be with him. I miss my children deeply, but I am happy to be an empty nester with my spouse now. It's been a fun ride to date.

I did something crazy just two weeks ago! I went skydiving (tandem)! It was always something that I wanted to try, but was afraid to even contemplate. Then, partially due to a channel I've been watching off and on, and partially because it was a bucket list item, I chose to do it scared. "Do it scared" is probably one of the best phrases to exist. Yes, it's scary. Acknowledge it and then do it anyway. 

Skydiving was one of the coolest things I feel like I have ever done.

Overall, I am happy with where I am in my life. It's weird being a grown adult with growing adult children. It's weird being an empty nester. This life in general is weird, but we live it anyway. Even if we are scared.

Learning as we go

As I mentioned previously, we are learning to live frugally since I have given up my career as a public educator and moved into the homeschooling sector. Thus far, our 14-year-old has shown marked improvement in many areas and alarming deficiencies in others. I'm happy to be able to help him grow in his learning.

The hardest part for us, of course, is learning how to pay all of our bills that we have each month on the single income that we now have. This is a task that I have learned is very difficult, but easy all at the same time. I am perfectly content with denying myself most things. I don't need much of what I have, and that which I do have I realize I don't even need. The hardest part is the children. Our daughter wants to do so much and we can't do it right now. Our son also wants to be able to participate in many things, but we can't afford them at this time. In reality, we won't be able to afford them at all. We are on a strict budget and we have each month's budget down to the penny. I feel awful about this. There is no other way to say it. I feel like the worst mom.

As it was we gave up luxuries, like cable TV and dining out. Honestly, we could probably give up even more if we really wanted to (cell phones, fresh foods rather than processed food), but I don't see that truly being an option we want to explore at this time.

I have begun making our laundry soap and dishwasher detergent. I also make our own all-purpose cleaner. I have sold a lot of things via craigslist and Half-Price books. Selling my books was the hardest. How can 5 boxes of books earn me a measly $25? That broke my heart. But it gave my kids that much more.

I have begun working as a substitute teacher on some days, but the pay for that is nothing like it was when I was the teacher full time. Then again, I like the sanity much more! I suppose there is a trade-off for everything one does. I just hope that by following this decreased lifestyle, our home will be happier for it.

It seems to be working so far, I think.

If you have any suggestions on things you make or do at home to help save money, please let me know! I am open to ideas!!

52 Weeks...

It's crazy to think that one year is a measly 52 weeks. That is such a short period of time, that I can't wrap my brain around it. I remember a year seeming to take forever to pass and now, I blink and another year is gone. Where does it go?

In an effort to remember my year, I have started an "awesome journal". I guess one could call it a blessings journal or something of the sort, but for me it's simply a list of things that I did each day that I consider awesome for me. Tasks I have completed, things that I heard, events that might seem insignificant at first, etc. I think this has been something that I have been needing all along, but never felt I would stick with. I guess that I might (some days) 'forget' to write, or perhaps I just might have bad days where I don't feel like anything was worth recalling. However, as I was thinking about it, every day must have some good in it. And that is my plan for keeping my "awesome journal". How awesome is it that (fill in the blank) happened? Stuff like that happens every day for all of us. My goal for myself it to remember that.

Yesterday, was payday. I was able to pay bills! That is a good thing. I was also able to buy good food! Another awesome thing. So many don't have days like that. I need to remember that. I am learning to live very frugally since I gave up my career to stay home and educate our son. It's often a difficult task, but worth it for us, for now. Being able to pay bills and buy food on one paycheck is very hard for me, considering how much we were bringing in before, and with Christmas just behind us, it was pretty scary there for a bit. This paycheck came at just the right time.

I don't much like living paycheck to paycheck, but I know that with some really serious budgeting and strong willpower, it will be fine in the end. That end will be this fall when we re-enroll our son in public school. He starts high school next year and I know that I am not capable of doing that with him as challenging this past semester has been.

So, 52 weeks is all we are given for 2015 and I intend to use each one of those to better myself and my family.

1. I have been working out each day! Simple things really, I got a FitBit and I use it to challenge myself to walk more. I also love dance, so I have been using the fitness option on Dance Central 3 while wearing weights on my ankles. Yeah, that's tough!
2. Money saving challenge: I know that we have all seen the money challenge where you put a certain amount of money each week and by the last week of the year you put in $52 and you have saved just over $1300 for the year. 
   
   Well, I found that I like a similar system from Household Management 101. They also do money saving each week, but rather than building up all year long, this grows to about halfway through the year then tapers off toward the holidays. It's really a great idea. Here's the link.
3. Home cleaning challenge: anyone that knows me or has read any of my previous posts will know that I struggle with maintaining a clean house. I seriously have that whole CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) thing down. I panic at the idea of someone coming to my house. I'm not going to be on an episode of Hoarders or anything, but I just hate housework with a passion. I try everything I can to avoid it. I am pretty good at avoiding (I'm actually successfully doing that now by writing), but as part of my "Awesome Journal" I am making the conscious effort to change how I look at housework. I am using the Household Management 101 schedules to help with that. I have two days under my belt. I know that if I can maintain this whole month, then I will be successful for the year. I believe that once I have myself in place with this system, then I can reteach my children to be more productive and not rely on Mom and Dad to do everything as we tend to do now. A happy home involves all of the family contributing, not just some members. Of course, the kids might not agree with that idea for now, but I'm hoping that in time they'll come around. 

So, this is my direction for now with these 52 weeks. I can do it. You can cheer me on and be a part of my own internal melodrama as I place my words into my blog posts without really planning what I write.

52 weeks is a really short time. Want to join me on my weird journey? You are welcome to tag along.