Becoming Good Enough

The first step in not being self-conscious is to set an intention.

Now, you may lean back in your seat and think, what the heck does that have to do with anything? Honestly that was my first thought, but as I am thinking about it, I realize it's like setting a personal goal. My intention is to like my self and my life as a positive representation for my children, particularly my daughter.

We are inundated with information about how to be some specific way for the world to see. From television, to magazines, to movies, even literature. everything has ideals on how people should present themselves to others. Nothing really seems to address how people feel about themselves, but looks to others for that validation.

One particular example that I can think of is the story Purplicious by Victoria Kann and Elizabeth Kann. The story is cute enough, but Pinkalicious, after being teased and tormented about liking pink, doesn't really love her color choice until the new girl at school validates her choice to love pink and shows her that it makes purple which is the new girl's color of choice. Shouldn't she just like it because she likes it? Regardless of what other's think?

I realize this is super simplistic, and may not be the best analogy, but I think it is a pretty significant point. If we are supposed to feel confident, why should we need another person's validation that what we like is okay to like? Shouldn't we be able to just say, "Because I Said So!" and be done with it? Am I mistaken in thinking that most people don't automatically do this? I know I nearly never have. I have always felt that I had to have the outside validation.

Often we don't get that acceptance that we crave and it's really because other people are busy focused on themselves, to bother with validating others. What I know we get a lot of is criticism. With constant outside criticism, you hear only one thing in your head... "You Aren't Good Enough".

How hard is it just to type those words? You Are Not Good Enough. They require all capitalization because they are so significant. After a while, the outside support you may have been able to hear as a child quickly disappears and then you no longer want to seek that outside affirmation. Eventually, that negativity is all you can hear and you start to believe.

I think that is why middle school/junior high is such a tumultuous time for so many pre-adolescents. You need outside support because you are trying to find yourself, but if you don't have a solid support in place, you won't get it. You will hear the taunting, the snide comments, the hurtful things, but you will rarely hear the positive things.

By the time you get to high school, the damage is pretty strong and no you are really hitting puberty and feel horribly awkward and anxious. You compare yourself to others because that is what you are taught to do from everything surrounding you. Eventually, you come to the conclusion that You Are Not Good Enough.

So you start hating yourself for being such a loser, even if you never actually call yourself that. You think that all those evil little voices in your head that really do affirm the negative things you heard others say are right. You can't figure out how anyone could ever like you, especially yourself. So, you sit in your office one night, and look up how to not feel self-conscious. And you begin pouring your heart into a post on a blog.

You hope to goodness that no one actually reads this blog because if you do hear negativity, you are pretty sure it will all be for naught and every hateful thing you have ever thought about yourself is true. You really don't want to visit that dark place again where you told yourself that your husband and children would be so much better without you.You know that deep, deep, down it isn't true. And that little glimmer at the bottom is what keeps you trying every day. You decide to start today and you set your intention.

I think about my children growing up without a mom, my husband raising two children without a wife and partner. I know that I can never allow that to happen. So I set my intention.

I intend to like myself and my life. I intend to see the good that there is in me. I intend to find out what it is like to feel pride when I look in the mirror each day rather than disdain. It takes so much out of you to not like yourself. It is physically and emotionally draining. I intend to end that horrible cycle. Because it is horrible. No one deserves to feel that way. No one should feel that way.

No one.

Every person should be happy with themselves, because we have such an amazing gift! We get to live! We get to explore this amazing world, we get to experience things that are mind boggling! We are lucky! We are amazing! We really are Good Enough!